Following birth, Jackson and I stayed in the hospital for 2 days to complete routine check-ups. Once again, Dan was allowed to visit us once a day for two hours. Being in the hospital initially wasn’t that bad other than missing Dan. I was sore, but the adrenaline rushing through me kept most of it at bay. The nurses came in regularly to help with latching and to monitor both of us. Luckily my milk came in before I even left the hospital, which made for a smoother transition and gave me confidence that I was keeping my baby well fed. Before we were released from the hospital they did a hearing test, ultrasound of Jackson’s head (because of the vacuum), checked his bilirubin, gave him a vitamin k shot, took newborn photos and monitored my temperature for possible infection. 

            It’s wild that the hospital just allows you to take home such a tiny and fragile human to care for without any prior knowledge or experience. It’s a scary feeling walking inside your house with a newborn for the first time. 

            October 9, 2020, Jackson and I made our way home with Dan to start our new life as a party of 3. The first two weeks were painful and I couldn’t sit, but I was reassured by many that this was just part of the postpartum journey and I would feel better in no time. Honestly, caring for Jackson and the excitement of moving to South Korea were the only two things getting me through that period. I wasn’t sleeping because of all the anxiety and adrenaline pumping through my body. Before I knew it, I was suddenly quick to anger and my thoughts were becoming more and more irrational, but I couldn’t control it. Many intrusive and scary thoughts about my baby dying (more than normal first-time mom concerns).

Many months later, after receiving counseling from a therapist who specializes in pregnancy, prenatal, postpartum, anxiety and depression. I would come to realize I was struggling with 

Postartum PTSD and Postpartum Anxiety. 

            At Jackson’s 2 week check-up and screening to make sure we were clear to move overseas again, I spoke to the doctor about something I had noticed prior. He asked me how I was doing and I told him I was in a lot of pain, so he gave me something stronger than Tylenol. I also mentioned that I had noticed once my stitches dissolved there was a significant hole in my perineum. The doctor on post immediately suggested I call my OB for a check-up that week. We soon found out that the hole was not normal and it was something I had never heard of before. My body had formed a Vaginoperineal Fistula.

Fis-tu-la

An abnormal or surgically made passage between a hollow or tubular organ and the body surface, or between two hollow or tubular organs. 

            The doctor explained to me that I had a hole from the outside, in my perineum, tunneling up into my vaginal wall (like a candy cane). That was the most confusing thing for me to wrap my head around. I immediately thought how could this be happening? What went wrong? Was this me, had my body failed me? Did my midwife mess up? By the end of the appointment my doctor said she would give me 2 weeks to try to heal “naturally”. If I didn’t, then I would have to undergo surgery.

             At this point it was mid to late October and we had orders to leave Germany at the end of December, moving 5,397 miles away. We already had such a tight timeline I couldn’t imagine throwing a surgery in there too. I went home and just hoped for the best and started taking anything that said it promoted healthy skin growth. I was sticking to my regiment of daily sitz bath (3x a day) and using my peri bottle to keep the area as clean as I could. I tried every postpartum tip and trick out there in hopes it would just magically heal on its own. 

            2 weeks later…it didn’t heal. Surgery was in my future and I just had to accept it. My doctor was going to schedule my surgery for the following week, but with someone else because she was going on vacation. Nervous about the new surgeon she was bringing in to do it, I asked if he was any good... 

She replied “He is the head of the OB department at the hospital”. 

My reply “Is he any good?” 

I mean when someone is going to cut open your lady bits and put it back together you want the best of the best, I don’t care who they are in the department! I didn’t want to end up looking like Frankenstein down there, although I was already pretty close. 

            As the surgeon enters the room I’m expecting at least a slight greeting since my legs are in the air and I’m exposed to the world. He takes a double look down there, his eyes get big and immediately turns to my doctor speaking in German. Dan and I already learned from delivery that speaking in German can only mean bad news. My doctor finally looked to me and tried to explain what they were discussing…

”Your tissue is too damaged to have surgery at this point. 

The earliest you will be ready for surgery is January”.

           January! I looked at Dan in shock. This couldn’t be happening we are moving to South Korea in less than 2 months! After talking to Dan about it further, I called my doctor and explain I think it’s time for me to go back to the states and be with my family. I didn’t know exactly how this would all work, but I was getting very uncomfortable with the care I had received and I knew I needed to finally speak up for myself and fix this properly. After leaving the doctor’s office I called my mom and told her it was time for me to come home. 

            The journey home became our worst nightmare. My mother quickly went into super hero mode contacting a U.S. Senator and a high-ranking officer in the Army trying to get us back to the states. After fighting tirelessly with the Army and military doctors, I finally got everything in order to fly back to the states with my son and apply for a compassionate reassignment to PCS (permanent change of station) to the United States. 

To this day we are forever grateful to everyone who got us home.

            Jackson and I ended up flying back to the states with my father in-law the day after Thanksgiving. At this point, I was 7 weeks postpartum and I was just now able to sit. 

          YES, you read that right. I was over 6 weeks postpartum before I could SIT or even properly walk due to the extensive bruising and tearing I endured. Most women are slowly getting back into exercise, while I was just hopeful I could sit again. 

            I am proud to say I continued to exclusively breastfeed during all of this and I would have never gotten through it without the support of my Lactation Consultant, and my dear friends. It is true when people say it takes a village to raise a child. The only way I survived my postpartum was because of the village Dan and I have been blessed with. I’ll share more details about my mental health and breastfeeding journey in additional blog posts. 

Here are the links to some of my favorite products I used to get through my postpartum healing both after delivery and surgery:

Alternating Tylenol and Aleve every 4 hours 

Peri bottle

Sitz bath

Epsom salts

Sitz bath tea (a little time consuming since it takes about 20 min total to brew, but very nice!)

Hemorrhoid ointment

Frida mom: cooling pad liners

Vaginal ice pack (I personally didn’t like the Frida mom ice packs because they were too thick, I                                         liked these a lot better)

Foot Stool ("squatty potty")

The links above are amazon affiliate links