It was time to push! 9am and I was ready to breathe this baby out. Dan and I were both filled with so much excitement and nervous energy, but I was focused and had my eye on the prize.

            My midwife started couching me to HOLD my breath to push, which I knew would happen, but wish I would have had the will power to say no and stick with my Birth Plan. This is where I really wished I had a doula with me. Due to COVID you were only allowed one birth partner and I chose my husband. In the end, I was weak and agreed to her coaching. I was holding my breath, but still nothing was happening and it became more and more difficult to push. I noticed I was just baring down and I couldn’t really get the control and strength I needed. Of course, it didn’t help that I couldn’t really tell when I was having a contraction because it just all hurt. I never knew when the pain and pressure was stopping and starting, but they just kept telling me to push when I was having a contraction. 

            Finally, about an hour into pushing on my side the exhausted midwife rolled me onto my back and pushed on my stomach to try to get the baby out. When she did, I felt a sharp POP in my abs and immediately knew something was wrong. I knew in that moment that this delivery wasn’t going to end well for either the baby or me, but I wasn’t sure which one yet. 

That pain ended up being her bruising my rib cage, which would later take months to heal.

            After screaming out in pain from them pushing on me they decided to let me keep trying on my own. Everyone was starting to get frustrated, even more so myself. They let me push on my own, then 30-40 minutes later still nothing. That’s when I noticed they started talking about Jackson’s heart rate dropping. I could tell they were nervous because they quickly switched from English to German. 

            I immediately asked if I needed an emergency C-section. Trying to prepare myself mentally they reassured me, “No, you can do this”. After more time passed and I still couldn’t push him out, they asked me if it was okay for them to push on my belly again.

            I reluctantly said yes and just braced myself for the pain. Everyone sprang into action, one nurse climbed on the table above my head, one nurse held my right hand, Dan held my left hand, and the midwife placed the vacuum on Jackson’s head. Screaming through the pushes they finally pulled him out. 

My eyes were closed in the moment, but Dan saw the midwife put her foot on the table for leverage to get the baby out. You’ll see later why all of that force was a problem. 

3 hours of pushing later…

Jackson was born on October 7, 2020 at 11:46am

7lbs 6oz and 21 inches long

            When Jackson came out I felt an immediate sense of relief from the pain, but I also felt a gush of blood, which made me start to feel very sleepy. They put Jackson on my chest and I could see that he was blue and not breathing or making a sound. I remember asking them what was wrong, but they immediately grabbed him and rushed out of the room. Dan ran after them to follow the baby while the midwife furiously started shoving gauze and clamps inside of me.

            I could feel everything, but at that point I was getting so tired I couldn’t focus on anything expect trying to stay awake. I vividly remember lying there thinking, “This is it. I’m not going to make it”. I pleaded with God to let me stay, I thought, my son can’t grow up without his mother. I’ve worked too hard to lose now. The nurses kept tapping my face and squeezing my hands to stay awake. 

            During the stitching Dan returned with the baby and he was perfectly fine. They gave Jackson some oxygen and assured us everything was okay. Over an hour later the midwife finally finished stitching me up. I ended up with over 200 stitches, a severe 2^nd degree tear (most damage was internal). Once I finally came to, I thought the worst was over. They gave me some food and allowed me to stay in the room for another hour to let Jackson nurse for the first time before returning to my old room.

            In my birth plan it was SO important to me to have that special GOLDEN HOUR with Jackson. Even though I didn’t get that moment, him latching for the first time was just as special. I thought, I had my baby in my arms and soon all of this trauma was going to be a distant memory…until my medical problems appeared during my postpartum healing. 

“A baby fills a place in your heart that you never knew was empty.”