Hi, my name is Annie. I am very excited to be a guest on Sarah’s blog for CVF. I first met Sarah through our husband’s being in ROTC together. After both our husbands were stationed on completely different sides of the United States, we would then be stationed together in Bavaria, Germany. Sarah and I became very close during this time, which was also when I experienced what I will be writing about today, something very close to my heart: miscarriage.

My husband and I decided in 2019 that since I would be finishing my MBA that winter, which was something I wanted to accomplish before we started a family, that we were ready to begin trying to start our family. We decided I would go off birth control in March 2019 and be careful for two months. This would give my body time to be off birth control. We did great the first month. I was tracking my cycle via Ovia. The second month, I was confident we’d be fine because I had finals when I should be ovulating, so I would be too busy. God had another plan, and I ovulated off schedule. 

We found out we were pregnant on May 13, 2019. I was about 5 days late, so I peed on a stick, which was positive, then went to the lab on base to do a pregnancy test for confirmation. I found a girl to design a onesie that said “Rock Me Mama Like a Wagon Wheel” since that is my husband’s favorite song. I left the lab, and they told me it could take up to four hours to process, so I may not hear until the next day. 

As I was pulling into our neighborhood I got a call from the lab saying, “Your test is positive, congratulations you are pregnant!” Shortly after, I received an email from the girl designing the onesie saying it was ready. So, I drove back to base to get it because I was so excited and knew I couldn’t wait to tell my husband. I was both excited and nervous at this time. I knew miscarriages could occur, but it wasn’t at the top of my mind because I didn’t know many people who had experienced one. 

Later, I would find out this was not true at all.

We went to our first doctor appointment in Germany, where the doctor showed us the baby on the ultrasound. We heard Baby M’s heartbeat. It was such a relief. I was measuring on schedule with where I thought we conceived – Week 7. We had my family come visit us the next week, so we had a super cute way to tell them. While they were visiting, I started to spot. I called my doctor, who told me that it is very common to spot during pregnancy and as long as it was not blood red or a lot, I was fine. However, I could come in and he’d examine me, if that made me feel better. 

My mom and sister confirmed that spotting is common in pregnancy, so I decided it wasn’t necessary. We continued their trip and all was going great. I continued to spot, but it was just small spotting. We were supposed to go to the doctor on July 2nd, followed by a trip to London to see Carrie Underwood in concert. I was so excited to hear our baby’s heartbeat again on the 2nd. I was nervous because I was still spotting, but tried to remind myself that it was normal during pregnancy.

On July 1st, the day before my next doctor appointment, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I wiped again and it was back to the normal spotting. However, my heart dropped. I felt something was wrong. I called my husband to tell him I was going to go to the doctor to get it checked out. The moment he answered, I started bawling and told him through my tears that I saw blood, it was now back to the spotting, but I needed to go to the doctor. He said, “hold on, I will be right home.” So, he rushed home and off to the doctor we went. We had to wait for him to finish his other appointments for the day, but he saw us.

 Since I had seen blood, he had to do a vaginal ultrasound. Our baby was measuring small for 11 weeks. Then he said I can’t find the heartbeat. He explained that I was experiencing a missed miscarriage. 

A missed miscarriage is when you have miscarried the baby, they are no longer developing and have passed, but your body has not physically miscarried the baby yet through bleeding. 

My doctor explained that I could have a DNC the next day or we could wait a week and he’d try to find the heartbeat again. Sometimes, it could be just positioning, but he was confident in one week we wouldn’t hear the heartbeat. I needed time to process, so my husband, and I decided to wait the week. 

We went home, and I called my family since they knew. We hadn’t had a chance to tell my husband’s family as we were supposed to see them in a few weeks. My husband had to call them to tell them that I had a missed miscarriage.

The next week was tough, I kept hoping that maybe the heartbeat was just missed on the ultrasound. We couldn’t fly to London for our concert because if I began to fully bleed, it could be unsafe. One week later we went in for a follow up appointment and the doctor confirmed there was no heartbeat. He said that my body had not miscarried fully, but the baby was indeed smaller, now sizing around 7weeks and had no heartbeat – so Baby M had passed away. The doctor said we could continue to wait for my body to miscarry on its own or I could have a DNC. The doctor explained the risks and benefits of each, waiting for my body to fully miscarry could take up to a month, and I would be at risk of possible infections. My husband knew that I could and would not fully move on until I was no longer carrying Baby M inside me. 

So, we decided to proceed with the DNC. 

I went in for the procedure on July 11th. The procedure was easy – I think. I was asleep for it, but the doctor said it went well. We went home and binge watched tv/relaxed. I was thankful for our family, who was ready to fly to Germany for us -though we declined, our friends – once we told them, and my husband. Honestly, my husband was my rock during July 2019. He held me while I cried, took care of me after my DNC, and told me everything would be okay.
I knew I wanted to try again for another baby but losing our first after hearing Baby M’s heartbeat was extremely tough. We waited until I was cleared to try again. We immediately got pregnant. I took an at-home pregnancy test, followed by the test at the lab – which was positive. This time we decided we would wait to clear our first trimester to tell anyone. 

However, I was going to a wine fest with a friend that weekend, so I told her since I would not be drinking. I was extremely nervous, but we were praying everything would be okay. My husband went into the field for work while I went off to the wine fest. That next week on Wednesday, September 18, 2019, I woke up and saw blood on the toilet paper. I immediately called Sarah because Joe was in the field, and I couldn’t get ahold of him. She called me back when she saw I had called twice. I was heading to a neighbor’s house as Sarah called me back because I was so upset and didn’t want to be alone. Sarah came over and took me to my doctor to be checked. I was so thankful for both Sarah and my neighbor who were there for me when I couldn’t get ahold of Joe. I finally got ahold of him before I headed to the doctor and explained the situation. He said to let him know what the doctor said. I went into the doctor who confirmed the miscarriage. He said that I was either so early in the pregnancy or I was having a chemical pregnancy. My HcG levels were increased, but there was not a baby in the sack. Now, based on when I ovulated with our first pregnancy, it was possible that I was just very early in the pregnancy.

Joe came home for that night but had to return to the field for work the next day. So, we called my mom that day to tell her what was happening. The second she answered the phone, I couldn’t speak – I was crying so hard. She thought I was telling her something happened to Joe. When I could finally speak, I explained I had another miscarriage and Joe was coming home for the night, but unfortunately couldn’t stay. She told me she would come. Within 24 hours, she and my one sister were in Germany with me. My sister’s work gave her two weeks off so that she could stay with me while Joe was in the field for his work.

This miscarriage hit me hard. I knew 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage, but less than 5% of women encounter multiple miscarriages. 

I felt like I was failing – this was now my second unsuccessful pregnancy, my second miscarriage. 

My doctor explained that miscarriages are common and that in Germany they don’t worry until you have had 5, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was failing. Joe was so supportive, as were my friends and family. Joe continued telling me that it wasn’t my fault and helped me to better see that it wasn’t my fault. He reminded me that my body knew something wasn’t progressing with the baby properly and my body knew what to do. My neighbor told me about her bible study she was just starting. The bible study was It’s Not Supposed to be This Wayby Lysa Terkeurst. This bible study and book helped me navigate how I was feeling about my miscarriages. It helped me to understand it was okay to feel upset about the miscarriages and that it was not my fault.

We continued trying after this miscarriage for the next several months until my husband deployed. Then when he returned, we tried again. We weren’t getting pregnant. So, my doctor referred me to a fertility specialist. I got bloodwork done, a dye test – where they check to make sure everything is clear in your reproductive organs, and my husband did a semen test. Everything came back normal for us both. This was a little frustrating because we didn’t know why we had the miscarriages or why we weren’t getting pregnant. People kept saying the timing wasn’t right, which okay yes, it wasn’t perfect. But when is it ever the perfect time to have a kid? Especially in the military. I know people were just being nice, but it was hard to hear the timing wasn’t right when you don’t know why you are struggling to have a successful pregnancy. 

Looking back, the timing wasn’t the best for our first two pregnancies. The first, we were due February 1, 2020 – we moved into our house in Upstate New York the week before I would have been due. Our second pregnancy, we would have been due in May 2020. My husband was deployed and COVID occurred – there was a minimal chance he would have been sent home for the birth. So, the timing was not right, but there were days when I would hear that, and it didn’t help. We don’t know why our miscarriages occurred, other than something in the pregnancies was not progressing, but thankfully our bodies know the baby will not survive outside of us, so our body terminates the pregnancy. 

I struggled with hearing others were pregnant. I was overjoyed for friends and others that were pregnant, but I felt jealous that we weren’t. I felt sad for our losses. It was a mixture of feelings.

This experience has made me cherish my current pregnancy even more. Please don’t get me wrong, I cherished my first pregnancies, but it has been a different experience after going through my miscarriages. My husband and I are currently pregnant with our third baby and due at the end of November 2021. I cherish every kick, wiggle, and roll – they remind me he is okay. I have continued to be terrified the entire pregnancy, but also grateful every day as well. 

This is our rainbow after the storm. To all the women who have had a miscarriage or multiple, are struggling to conceive, have been diagnosed with infertility, I want you to know that I see you and there is a whole community of us out there who have also been in your shoes. You are not alone! 

I realized after my miscarriage how many people I knew had also experienced a miscarriage. This shouldn’t be a topic that anyone should feel ashamed by. We should talk about it because it is more common than you realize. 

I am 1 in 4. 

I hope, if you are also 1 in 4 that you continue to have HOPE because your rainbow will come. Talk with your friends and family if you are struggling. If you are a friend or family member of someone going through a miscarriage or infertility, listen and be a shoulder for them. We need to normalize miscarriages and infertility.